never been so vain

its been weeks since new year started, I haven't done anything yet in my life so far, just want to sit and think over and over again about the things that I have done in the past, I feel tired already, thinking what if, I feel like I'm a crazy person, not wanting to do anything for my self for this new beginning, I always tell other people that moving on is accepting the reality that it will never gonna happen again, but what happen to me, I did accept that fact already and yet here I am trying to remember those things that I can't even say if I'm even proud of about it, it feels like everyday I'm having a nightmare and it is played over and over that it didn't want to stop, I hate my self for being naive, weak, vain.. I show people like I know everything about life, problems, but I realize they know more, because I still want to get stuck in this worse chapter of my life, and I'm exhausted running away, and maybe exhausted running to it.. I feel like I'm 100 % loser that  cannot even run from it's own past, that can't even accept what's on the past, that it must stay there, I know, I am, and it feels like being drown from your own reality of never ending regret, yes I am, am what called stupid...and I'm not proud of that.. I wish I can be someone different but I can't, I'm just like those people who know nothing at all...